WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
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My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves