My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
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My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
Taking phone security to the next level.
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
All set.
Oh boy, $150,000!
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”