If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
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If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
My first child will be named New Folder.
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
Me :
All Day At Night
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.