My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
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Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
Hit me in the face with a bird
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that