wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
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[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
My flabber has been gasted.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
Twitter remains undefeated