♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
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My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.