I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
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Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?