Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
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girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
HR said no more nunchucks.
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.