My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
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If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
“Wait, let me explain..”
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)