Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
You Might Also Like
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
LMAO
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
Extremely relatable.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.