I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
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I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much