The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
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“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”