“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
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[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo