Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
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Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.