In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
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The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
Am getting real tired of your crap…
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?