Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
You Might Also Like
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
who called it hell and not heaven’t
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me: