when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
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Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…