I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
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*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING