gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
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I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
Noah
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”