When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
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interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
At my funeral sit me up so I can see who’s talking to my man
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
Sooo many times…..
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol