Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
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Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
quarantine day 3
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.