When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
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Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
“I wouldn’t.”
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
And bowling should be called pinball
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes