My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
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Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades