My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
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New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂