me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
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[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.