(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
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Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
me hooking up with my ex
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.