WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
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Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.