ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
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Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids