I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
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They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.