[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
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I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing