PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
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It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
why would tinder want me to say this
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
i think both sides are to blame here
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher