I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
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[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
mechanics be like
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.