[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
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“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
Start the year as you intend to continue.
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!