Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
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Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?