the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
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Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans