Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
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“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!