Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
You Might Also Like
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
My first son he is wonderful
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.