“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
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When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
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