Autocarrot sucks!
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Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
I’m having an out of money experience.
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh