A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
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Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
first you must answer his riddles
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.