Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
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They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
Message from the dog groomers
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.