candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
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Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.