FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
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Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.