If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
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So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
Is anyone gonna tell them?
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.