(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
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#gardening
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
Stop it! 😂
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up