Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
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“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty