Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
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Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.