20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
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VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.