Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
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I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
What a year we’ve had this week.
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
Childbirth is so beautiful