Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
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[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
Stop being racist to kettles.
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!